By The Numbers: Uptown Saturday Night Style

The modern mugwump rarely has it in her to “do the town” two nights in a weekend. Last night I celebrated the Minneapolis Pride Weekend by attending the Bryant Lake Bowl burlesque show, “Dykes Do Drag.”* Thus, tonight lends itself to drinking things that are 100% water by volume and enjoying the sun porch since it is FINALLY cool enough to do so.

The sun porch may be one of my absolute favorite things about our apartment, and that is a hard choice because this place is super cute. I (along with 2 less Mugwump, but equally modern roommates) live about 5 or 6 blocks from Hennepin and Lake, a very “lively” part of Minneapolis, particularly on the weekend. This makes our neighborhood also a pretty lively place on those evenings, and living right on the corner of a semi-busy road, we get a lot of interesting traffic here. Thus, tonight’s “By the Numbers” is brought to you by a summer night in Uptown.

30: The feet you are supposed to be parked from the fire hydrant across the street.

6: The number of cars that attempted to park in that space before realizing the GIANT RED SCULPTURE in my neighbors yard is, indeed, a fire hydrant. Sorry.

12: The approximate number of feet the Mini Cooper is parked from the fire hydrant.

35: The cost of a Minneapolis in-city parking ticket. Just saying.

15 (give or take): The approximate number of drunken frat boys in the yard across the street.

7: The approximate number of sort of slutty girls in the same yard. This ratio has led the evening to be filled with machismo and some sort of awkward mating dance I would like to call “If I act like a total ass, maybe she will fall in love with me. Or at least take me home.” Kind of gross.

5: The number of party buses that have driven past the corner.

6: The number of lost girls in the group in which I overheard “Well, Jesus, Kelly! I don’t actually know how to get to Uptown.” Um, you’re not in Kansas anymore, Dorothy. You’re in Uptown. Welcome, you just brought the average IQ in my neighborhood down 10 points, which was probably difficult to do given the frat boy to sort-of-slut ratio discussed earlier.

23: The number of times a guy across the street said “Yo, Dog!” or “No way, Dog!” I thought for sure Simon Cowell was there too, seeing as this had to be some lost episode of Uptown Idol.

8: The number of people walking their dogs, seeming so calmly out of place for a Saturday night.

2: The number of cars that attempted to turn the wrong way down our one-way street. Whoopsies.

1: Person didn’t know Michael Jackson has died. I felt like Charlie from Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory and I had found the golden ticket, as I am fairly certain this might be the only person on the planet that did not already know this news. The “WHAT?! So, what, did his face finally fall off or what?” comment, however, was priceless and appreciated from the second floor apartment. Thank you.

3: The number of limos that drove by. Classy.

1: The number of stretch Hummers that drove by. Not classy, with a Sasquatch-sized carbon footprint, lordy.

4: The number of times I saw someone run the stop sign.

3: Number of times some creepy guy blaring old time jazz has driven by.

Absolute 0: The number of parking spots available on this block. Or the next one. Or the one after that.

1: Number of modern mugwumps enjoying a bowl of fruit whilst doing a little bit of homework and a little bit of art on a beautifully breezy Saturday night from the second floor sun porch, watching the world stroll on by, ready to cuddle up in the City of Lakes. Lovely, simply lovely.

* I wanted to blog about Pride Weekend and equal rights, but decided it was too political of a topic for here. Obviously, I attended a Pride Weekend event, so you can probably guess where I stand on the political spectrum on this one, but my opinions are just too strong on this issue to discuss it in-depth here. All in all, I was happy to be able to do something to show my support for the gay community.

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