I Know I Said I Wouldn’t

But I did.

I Googled medical symptoms– again.

Search: what causes eye twitch

It’s okay, I don’t have the plague, or even H1N1. I do, however, have an inoperable brain tumor hidden somewhere in the depths of my brain that is only going to lead to more facial ticks until facial paralysis set in (read: drool monster) and eventual death (probably from drowning).

In reality, these are the possible causes:

1. Caffeine. I tested this theory– it’s not it. I cut caffeine, I increased it, I limited it, I weaned on and off. Still twitching.

2. Fatigue. It’s summer break. Sleep is my #2 most frequent activity. Still twitching.

3. Irritation of the eye surface or inner lid. No, only irritation of the patient. Still twitching.

4. Physical exertion. Aaaaaaaaaaaaahahaha ahhaha ha ha, whoo, that’s a good one. Read #2. Still twitching.

5. Smoking. Ick dude! Still twitching.

6. Stress. No more than normal (read #2 and #4). Still twitching.

So, that’s the normal stuff. If it’s not one of those, the Interwebs brings on some more:

7. Blepharitis (sounds like a bathtub fart). It is actually an oil gland dysfunction at the rims of the eyelids. However, in addition to twitching it causes swelling and pain and eye pus. Nope. Still twitching.

8. Dry eyes. Not really an issue. Still twitching.

9. Pink eye. I. Do. Not. Think. So. Pink eye is quite possibly the most disgusting thing I have ever experienced and I am FULLY aware of what that is like. This is not it, as my eyelids have not glued themselves shut from the stickiness of their own eye-juices*.

Here’s the goodies:

Very rarely, an eye twitch may be the result of a more serious brain and/or nerve disorder.

You don’t say?! Like what?

10. Bell’s Palsy. More likely to result in half your face going suddenly Droopy Dogg for 3-6 months, and then righting itself. Still twitching.

11. Parkinson’s. But probably not. Still twitching.

12. Dystonia. A disruptive contracting of muscles. Ding ding ding ding! There isn’t much more disruptive than your eyelid going all 250 beats-per-minute. Affects less than 1% of the population, usually women. Going to get worse, although stay in the face (awesome, maybe no one will notice my singular face moving in 23 different directions).

13. Tourette’s Syndrome. My swearing is purely behavioral. Still twitching.

14. Side effect of drugs, particularly those to treat psychosis. Treat psychosis?! I am about a wink, blink, and nod from saying a consistent eye twitch may bring on psychosis. Still twitching.

15. Tumors. All over. Everywhere, tumors. Putting pressure on muscular nerves or affecting dopamine levels. Certain death.

In other news, I joined Hypochondriac’s Anonymous today, in which we all just sit around and say “There’s no way you have that, because that’s exactly what I have! And it is going to kill me!”

*Sorry, eye illness can get gross. I should have warned you at the beginning. But I chose to warn you at the end, once you’ve read at least half the post. Ha ha, sucker.

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