You Can Stand Under My Umbrella

Rain brings a lot of things out of people: melancholy moods, goofy wet-dog hair dos, road rage.
And their umbrellas. Which umbrella are you?
The Golf (or other Ultra Large) Umbrella

Because that doesn’t scream high maintenance.

You feel entitled to your very own dry planet and you do not care how many eyes you poke or shoes you soak, with those stupid drops that fall off the points of the umbrella arms, to get it. Your spatial reasoning skills are terrible, as you do not recognize that your umbrella is wider than the entire sidewalk and now no one can pass alongside you, forcing them to slop through mud puddles. Of course, you don’t notice because you can’t see from underneath the convertible top you wield to repel all traces of weather.
The Windestructible*

Oh goodness, no, you don’t look this stupid. His umbrella is really irrelevant to his appearance of stupidity.

Luckily for you, rain always falls straight down and weather systems that contain rain produce no other meteorological symptoms. Like wind. The funny thing is your umbrella is so fickle that a sneeze in the Himalayas sends your umbrella topsy-turvy inside out, faster than Republicans pick up pennies off the floor. You spend the majority of your time outside the umbrella, wrestling with each little prong, getting soaked. Also luckily for you, umbrellas were designed flawlessly and you won’t at all look awkward or ridiculous fighting with yours on the sidewalk. Honest, you scream “graceful” over there.
The Too Small Two-fer

Invest in this, snookie bum cakes. Look at all that free space.
You just wuv your wickle snookie bottoms peach cake of a boyfriend/girlfriend and cannot stand the thought of being a WHOLE UMBRELLA’S WIDTH away from schnookums. But, you don’t have any money to buy a big umbrella because you spend all your extra money (and time!) on nice things for boo boo baby cakes. And let’s face it, you don’t want to be the huge umbrella asshole, pokin’ out eyes. The screams of pain would distract you from staring into your schmoopsy’s soul through her big beautiful eyes. So instead, you (gladly) melt yourself to your significant other while you try to cram under one tiny umbrella. Congrats, only half of you is COMPLETELY soaked. Heh, now you truly do have a better half– the half that doesn’t smell like wet sneaker.
The I’m-a-Total-Idiot Umbrella

Aaaaaahahaha. . . hahaha, haaa, heh. Whew. You look dumb.
I am just going to let the picture tell this story.

*An awesome play on words, if I do say so myself. I hope you got it. Wind. Indestructible. Destructible. Shut up, it’s funny.

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