My life has no purpose, no direction, no aim, no meaning. And yet I am happy. I can’t figure it out. What am I doing right? — Charles Schulz
It’s a curious thing, the measurement of happiness. Sometimes I catch a toothy smile reflecting at me in the mirror, and ask “What do you have to be so happy about?” And on the surface, it seems like maybe not much.
I have no job, and thus no income, but still have bills. I eventually will owe back to the government all of the money I have borrowed from them to be in school. The amount of money I owe them is more than the total worth of all of my possessions combined. I “work” well over 40 or 50 hours per week on school and internship things, and when I am not working on those things I am thinking about them. They stress me out, which is not always physically or mentally healthy. I do not see friends and family as often as I like, it has been almost a year since I had the chance to visit Fargo, I have not been able to see my out-of-state grandparents in a painfully long time. I eventually have to look for a real big-kid job in a crapper of an economy. I am in a class that makes me feel stupid- and that almost never happens. And the homework I am doing is researching babies dying from diarrhea. I mean, if that’s not reason enough to think about new career choices, I do NOT know what is.
Ooof, that list of less than happy things is totally not short. But tonight, I shirked homework responsibilities (a little) to watch Grey’s Anatomy with my roommates, who I adore. And then I made chocolate chip cookies, including one the size of my face for my roommate’s boyfriend. And I don’t go out often anymore, but I appreciate the times that I do a whole lot more. And I don’t know when the next Sunday dinner at my parent’s house will be, but I am so excited for it because it is always the perfect rest and relaxation I need, even if only for a few hours. Today, for the first time, I ran without my headphones in. The first mile totally sucked. My pace was all over, I couldn’t concentrate, it was awful. But the last 2 miles– so cool. I got to enjoy all my favorite parts of my neighborhood and tune into the dog park, and the honking traffic, and the hippie playing guitar at the lake, and kids jumping in the leaves. All while doing one of my newly favorited activities.
On the surface, I think most people would think I am crazy for allowing myself to be in the situation I am in (unemployed, nearly-broke, frazzled single grad student). But somewhere, even where I don’t know, there’s a secret to this because I am ridiculously happy (and I have not had a beer tonight either). That’s so cool.
But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads. — Albert Camus
Good night, loves.