Last night we celebrated my roommate’s birthday at two of the local Uptown bars and it got me thinking about how young people seem to be going about the “mate-finding” game, and how I would change it, if the rules of the game were created by me.
The Game, as it currently stands, as played by young adult humans more commonly known as homo poordecisionus:
The young homo poordecisionus does not typically plan nights out with the intention of picking up an opposite-sexed mate (creatures that do that are known as homo creeperus and are easy to spot amongst the crowd). However, the homo poordecisionus is expected by other members of the species to keep those intentions in mind in dressing and personal grooming for a night out, particularly the females. Thus, they spend many more minutes than average picking out outfits that include low cut tops and butt-squeezing pants, and then adorn themselves in uncomfortable shoes intended to falsify their height. They mask their faces in unnaturally colored powders and males and females are guilty of overusing the following items: hair product, cologne/perfume, and fake tanner.
Once they look completely different than their actual selves, the homo poordecisionus congregates in small, cramped, damp buildings known as bars. But only after dark! These creatures choose to travel in the dark and enter bars with terrible lighting, making one another indistinguishable. These establishments serve intoxicating beverages, which is only done to level out every person’s intelligence– to nearly zero. And to allow for conversation that includes the topics of Jersey Shore and favorite superhero to be considered legitimate discussion topics. Coordination skills of potential mates are tested on the dance floor. Very few homo poordecisionus pass the test. Very, very few. Any conversation that is had is punctuated by yelling “WHAT?!” into the ears of one’s companion, as the trance/pop nightmare music blares in every single room of the bar. If lucky, numbers might be exchanged, but dates rarely go well, as it forces the young homo poordecisionus to view one another in the light and actually discuss, well anything, without the pretext of intoxication.
The benefit of the current game, however, is the sheer number of homo poordecisionus present in the low lit, smelly, damp bars making it statistically easier to find someone interested in the uncomfortably dressed, made-up, unintelligent facade each homo poordecisionus presents.
The Game, as a Mugwump would define the rules, which is intended to be played by young adult humans known as homo chilledouticus:
The environment would be similar, except well lit in earlier evening hours, maybe even daylight (gasp!). It would not be damp or smelly. Homo chilledouticus would arrive, still with a group of friends perhaps, dressed slightly better than average, but not like Paris Hilton. Sequins, 4 inch heels, and men in too-tight sweaters would all be banned at the door. Intoxicating beverages wouldn’t be served. Instead, it would be coffees, teas, hot chocolates, smoothies and the like. And there would be low-level music playing. Or even a live acoustic singer-songwriter or band! You would not have to yell at anyone in the room just to say simple things like “How are you?” or “What’s your name?” Discussion would be on topics of current events or great storytelling that included lines other than, “This time that I was really drunk…” And no homo chilledouticus would have his or her bottom pinched, grabbed, squeezed, stroked, or slapped. And it would be glorious.
Okay, so basically my rules of the game move the scene to an earlier time frame (slightly) and to a different venue where people aren’t drunk and rude. The trick is to draw enough people and have the right space that it is a coffee shop/cafe that people can stand around in and mingle. I have never seen such a place, but if I did I can certainly say with confidence I would trade in the too-tight heels for some trendy slip ons, a natural face, and actual conversation. Call me old fashioned, but I like to see people in the daylight.