December 4– Wonder. How did you cultivate a sense of wonder in your life this year?
I waited all night for this Reverb 10 prompt to be posted, so excited to start thinking about what I was going to write next, and yet too tired to actually start typing. As I drifted into a week’s end sleep with the Minnesota winter tucking me in under a fast-falling, thick blanket of snow I thought I would certainly have no problem writing this post. This morning, upon waking to the sunrise over the world refreshed, I realized I had no idea what wonder really was.
Every time I tried to invoke what inspired wonder this past year, I kept replaying the questions that have doggedly followed me, in various forms.
I wonder if I can finish my Masters project on time?
I wonder if I am doing this right?
I wonder if this internship will turn into a permanent position?
I wonder why I am not getting called back after applying for jobs?
I wonder if I will ever move into my own place?
I wonder if I am saving enough money?
I wonder if I shouldn’t have bought that?
The funny thing, is that those (grammatically, at least) aren’t actually questions. To say I wonder about something should be a statement, but the question mark is more telling than my occasional struggle with proper grammar. This type of wondering is not the “moment of inspiring awe triggered by an expansion of one’s awareness of what is possible” that this prompt is likely getting at. What I have expressed is doubt dressed in wonder’s clothing through the clever way humans have used language as a weapon against themselves to mask our fears and uncertainties.
It is not the true reality that no moment has inspired wonder in me this year, but have I actively worked to cultivate it? Well, not really. Because I have been fairly busy actively working to cultivate meaningful work and income and cultivate my relationships. Because those things, particularly my bond with family and close friends, are encouraging me to work through the prevalent doubt/wonder I have experienced this year.
Sometimes not everything inspires life changing wonder. Sometimes things are just good. And that’s enough.