I would love to say I use Google Analytics to maximize my readers’ experience of my blog.
I basically use it to spy on you. Where do you live? What are you reading? How did you get here?
My favorite is to see what term people searched for to end up at my blog. Below are some of the stranger ones:
- scientific law (Yes, the words written in this blog are scientific law. Or, they should be.)
- what is fartlekking (The seventh circle of Hell.)
- atheist cat (What.)
- drugging your cat (I didn’t really drug him. I hope this person finds the, uh, advice they were looking for…)
- fartlekking (The seventh circle of Hell.)
- girl panics on febreeze commercial (Well, a giant-ass fish swims through a living room. You would panic too)
- mugwump cat (Ha! He needs his own blog. [Right now the Boyfriend is groaning and thinking “Oh my god, she’s going to start a blog from her cat’s perspective.” No I’m not, because imagining Boyfriend thinking that was enough satisfaction!])
- what’s a fartlek (The seventh circle of Hell.)
- “Every morning in Africa a gazelle wakes up. It knows it must move faster than the lion or it will not survive. Everyone morning in Africa a lion wakes up and knows it must be faster than the slowest gazelle or it will starve. It does not matter if you are the lion or the gazelle. When the sun comes up, you better be moving.” (Love this quote. And now love whomever searched for it. Love love love.)
- turtleneck swimsuit (What?)
- Bob Costas sauna (WHAT?! Gross.)
- don’t feed the grad students (no truer advice has ever been spoken)
- “convention of international sale of goods” undersized shrimp (Ha! Reason #238 dating a lawyer brings me joy. Also, isn’t the very nature of shrimp that they are ‘undersized’?)
- grad school makes you fat (Who are you calling fat, you big cow?!)
- national escargot day (I am assuming this comes from an Obscure Holidays post…)
- activate mugwump (Ha! Read this as “Activate: Mugwump!” and it just has a certain superhero je ne sais quoi about it. Love)
- Bob Costas is a punk (that’s more like it)
- Border collie hypersensitve (Googler, you get it.)
- Bubble bath wine (You definitely get it).
- funny sentence with mugwump in it (Hmm, I don’t think I have any of those. But I have something better! A bunch of funny sentence written by a Mugwump! Right? Right?!)
- modern battle pants (What?) (I want some.)
- obscure holiday for “women” (Why put women in quotes? Couldn’t it just be ‘obscure holiday for women’? Googler must have been a “man.”)
- sushi touched my soul (What.)
- uzbekistan got skipped (I hate when that happens.)
- ways to explain parking in a snow emergency (I’ll explain it now: Everyone parks like an idiot. You can too! Yay!)
So. Darn. Funny. Thanks, Googlers!