Confessions of a Naughty Cat: Houseplants

Every houseplant must be eliminated.

This can be accomplished in a number of ways, each specifically tailored to the type of plant.

1. Uproot it. Human Roommate keeps potting new plants and the poor little things don’t stand a chance. One swift tug and their short, immature roots slide gently out of the soft soil in a matter of seconds. Bonus points if you then dismember the plant and leave bits of it in key locations around the apartment, such as the shower, the pillow, and in a shoe.

2. Shred it. Rootbound bugger cramping your windowsill space? Shred it until just pitiful nubs of leaves are left.  Do this over the span of 4 to 7 days so it goes unnoticed until the poor thing is decimated. Bonus points if you can hid shredded leaves under the rug.

3. Structural collapse. Can’t dig it out? Can’t chew through the leaves? Fear not, there is still hope for plant elimination. Knock the whole thing down. If your lucky, the target of your mission is in that flimsy plant stand in the living room. Bonus points if you can make your collision with the plant stand look like an accident. On a table or windowsill, just slowly bat the bottom of the pot until it teeeeeeterss… tottteerssss… CRASH. Too heavy? Just wedge yourself between the window and the pot and then “stretch” your legs out, feet pressing against the wall and back gently nudging the pot until… CRASH. Double bonus if you roll around the black dirt for a while and then take a nap in Human Roommate’s bed.

BEWARE! Method 3 should be used only in extreme situations. The method is not for those cats looking to destroy a plant unnoticed. Your own Human Roommate will immediately know you have done it, and will express displeasure loudly and for a mind-numbing amount of time. Also, be sure you have had your anxiety treat that morning because Human Roommate WILL bring out the vacuum. And it will literally suck up all your fun.

But don’t forget, your mission will be accomplished. And there are more potted greens to tend to.



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