The calendar has just struck a new year, so the gym is busting at the seams. Here’s just a taste of some of the male characters at my gym.
This guy stacks a lot of weight on the barbell and you catch yourself doing a double take. That little guy is gonna lift all that? No, he’s not. What he has stacked makes the fitness staff think about preemptively calling 911 and gym-goers by the free weights are taking bets: crushed vertebrae, slipped disc, or hernia? He lifts maybe twice, with pitiful form, and then struts around the gym for 30 minutes beating his chest like a proverbial gorilla. Idiot.
The Pretty Boy
The Pretty Boy doesn’t care what kind of exercise he is doing, as long as it is in front of a mirror. He loves to see that perfectly coiffed ‘do atop his perfectly tanned face and flashes himself and smarmy smile full of perfect white teeth. He loves the elliptical because it makes him glisten and doesn’t wrinkle his designer gym shorts and coordinating too-tight technical t-shirt. Middle age is about to hit him like a falling piano.
10 pounds or 100 pounds, it doesn’t matter. This guy’s got something to say about it. UUUUUUUUUNGH! HAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGHHHH! GGGGGGEEEEERFFFFFFFTTTHHHH! If he put half as much energy into just lifting that instead of vocalizing every flex of every muscle he would probably be in super shape. Ugh, seriously dude.
The Midlife Crisis Guy
He used to be a big shot (maybe he even still is a big shot) and he is going to stand by the weights until you realize that he is better than you. He spends most of the time hitting on younger ladies on the treadmills or wiping a single drop of sweat off the face of his Rolex. When he leaves the gym, he nonchalantly tosses his gym bag into the back of a red, sporty, fast car and speeds out of the parking lot with a handful of rings with giant gems. Or he drives a Hummer. When you see him, go ahead and file him under “Stage 3 Creeper.”
The Equipment Hog
This guy is a jackass. He shows up at the gym right after work (the busiest time of day) for the entire month of January (the busiest time of year), does two reps on a machine and then stands RIGHT NEXT TO IT FOR 45 MINUTES because he’s “recovering.” If you do politely wiggle your way in to grab a few reps on his machine he says he “doesn’t like working in with people.” Besides, he was “just going to do another set.” Encountering this species of gym-goer, it may take all of your willpower not to yell, “I PAY $50 A MONTH TO USE THIS MACHINE WHENEVER I DAMN WELL PLEASE, YOU OVER-ROIDED JERK!” I hate this guy.
The Tech Geek
This poor guy never actually gets a workout in because he spends his entire time at the gym tangled in headphone cords, adjusting his heart rate monitor, trying to sync his music to the cadence of his running pace, resetting the computer in his shoe, and logging his workout online while taking a picture of his treadmill results with his camera phone. He burns exactly zero calories.
Too much picking on the men? Don’t worry, Lady in the Magenta Velour Workout Outfit from Hell, I’ma get to you tomorrow.