A Story About Genius Ideas That Backfire

Tonight, I bring you a story of educational and entertainment value. It is a story of backfired plans.

This evening, as I was prepping myself for another week, I decided the week would start right if I made up the bed with new sheets. Everyone loves new sheets, right?

And pet owners out there can agree with me when I say no one loves it more when you make the bed than a cat or dog. And my fur-covered demon cat is no different. Except that my cat is simultaneously a lover of new sheets and a literal ankle-biter. With every fresh layer I would put on the bed, he would decide it was good enough and lay down and any attempt to move him was met with this rude meowing and exactly 20 razorclaws– no more, no less– moving in unison at warp speed. After 2 layers of mattress pads/covers (yes, I’m spoiled), I had pretty much had it with him. I shooed him out of the bedroom long enough to get three corners of the fitted sheet on when he made a running leap into the bed, right under that sheet and rooted himself with all 20 claws dug into the mattress.

So you know what I did? I put the fourth corner of the sheet over the mattress and made sure the sheet was down tight. And then I made the rest of the bed right over the top of that ungrateful piece of … cat and walked away. Leaving him essentially, but not completely trapped in the fitted sheet, under another sheet and 2 more blankets.

Sarah MacLachlan is already in some studio somewhere collecting all the cats with the world’s saddest eyes to make a video denouncing owners who make the cat into the bed. For the low low price of $49.95 per month, you can end their suffering. I just know it.

I figured I would leave him in there for 5 minutes. Long enough to tick him off teach him a lesson, but not long enough to cause him any harm. Sounded like an awesome plan when I said it in my head and still had some validity when I said it out loud as I walked away.

Upon returning several minutes later to where I had left a nicely made bed (save for the cat-shaped grenade), I found a slightly disturbed pile of bedding, as I expected if he escaped out the side of the sheet, and a serene, peaceful kitty laying atop the bed. Like the perfect angel that he is.

I was so proud of my little plan! I had never read that on the internet, so I was thinking of all the ways I could market this idea to other people who owned disturbed spirited cats. Just trap them under a sheet! Easy!

I went about the rest of my nightly routine feeling pretty good– brushed teeth, set up the coffee, put on pj’s and slide into bed. Except, I didn’t so much slide as much as my toes got all tangled up in something.

What the hell? I thought as I pulled back the blankets to figure out what my foot was getting caught on.

And that’s when I saw the evidence of the backfire of my plan. A big, backfirey explosion of epic proportions.

My cat did not simply escape out the edge of the fitted sheet. In fact, it appears as if he never even considered it. From the exact spot he was sitting in when I pulled that fourth corner taut, my cat ate his way through a bed sheet.

You did read that right, but in case you aren’t sure, let me say it one more time: My cat got trapped under a fitted sheet and ate his way to freedom.

Hold on, Sarah MacLachlan. Get your panties unbunched about the fabric getting tied up in his sweet kitty guts or the toxins of the dyes and blah blah blah… he didn’t really ingest any of the fabric– it’s all still there. He just chewed and clawed his way through it. In under 5 minutes.

Now he is just sleeping soundly on top of (NOT IN!) a remade bed with different sheets, as if nothing happened.

Let me tell you one thing I know for certain: I am sleeping with one eye open tonight. Holy shit.

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